


act of contrition

by ecomexi



Category: Ensemble Stars! (Video Game)
Genre: (...kinda), Hair-pulling, Hate-kissing (patent pending), M/M, Making Out, Previous Relationship, he'll get a relationship tag someday, im pioneering ogmeru's character tag, it's i-fell-in-love-with-your-twin-brother drama
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-03
Updated: 2020-07-03
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:21:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,310
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24802249
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ecomexi/pseuds/ecomexi
Summary: Seeing Tatsumi Kazehaya makes Kaname's insides twist into knots and his head get foggy. So on one particularly unbearable night, he decides he must make him suffer—and Tatsumi is far too sweet about it.
Relationships: HiMERU/Kazehaya Tatsumi
Comments: 5
Kudos: 39





	act of contrition

**Author's Note:**

> ※ posted after completion of main story and reading is somewhat dependent on lore from there! so, spoilers! and also the dorm situations may not be entirely accurate but i'm trying okay  
> ※ akira drop OGmeru's name pls :(  
> ※ sorry for being edgy all the time it's not my fault it's kaname's

Tatsumi smelled like smoke.

And how he suited the violating scent; when you noticed it, you would gag and wave it away, and the sensation would irritate your eyes, and the stench would stain your clothes. You would inhale it and be reminded of fonder times, perhaps a memory that had since faded away. Smoke prompted the thought of fire. Of red, and of heat. Or perhaps it was a symbol of rebellion—a violent, futile one. Kaname did not care which of these things Tatsumi Kazehaya would rebuke. Really, they were all true about him.

That was why Kaname made an effort to stay far away. He made himself commit to several things when he accepted this role, but often he found himself drifting away from them. Unfortunately, usually "often" meant when he was glaring at Tatsumi, like he was right then. Although he had intended to approach everything with an air of professionalism and poise, sometimes (or rather almost always) when he saw that wretched man he couldn't help but be irrationally consumed by hatred.

He remembered how his brother had always described Tatsumi. They were rivals in name, obviously, but of course he never acted like it. Tatsumi was always something to him—some days he was kind, some days he was brave, and other days he was just beautiful. There were some times when Kaname would know just by the look in his eyes that his brother's mind was elsewhere, surely on that savior of his. He would chatter away, on and on about him, uncaring if Kaname was even listening (of course, he always was). Even now, as he was in his peaceful, unfeeling slumber, Kaname was sure that he was thinking of him. And he was even more sure that his brother would not be holding the same grudge he was. But that was Himeru. And Kaname was Kaname.

And Kaname now gazed upon Tatsumi Kazehaya, the foul-scented toxin that had been the fall of many before Himeru. It was dark, and there was happy chatter outside the dorms among the members of Alkaloid. Tatsumi hadn't seen him yet; that much was obvious from the motherly smile on his face. It was much too wide and not at all the graceful and saintly image that his brother had described to him with his flowery words—it never was. In fact, as always, Tatsumi Kazehaya looked far too happy.

As if mocking his thoughts, in the next moment Tatsumi turned to him, looking a bit surprised, but still happy. "Hello, Himeru-san." He was closer now, and Kaname noticed the same scent was clinging to him as always. He waved on the children beside him, who were gazing up at Kaname with bizarre expressions. Mayoi lingered a bit longer than the younger members. He was the always-anxious one, the one Tatsumi always smiled at. Sometimes Kaname felt like sneering at him, because he sometimes caught him making the same innocent, hopeful expressions his brother had.

"Himeru-san," he said again once they were alone, but his eyes looked more determined, yet also still gentle.

"Tatsumi," he reluctantly offered in reply. Tatsumi had an expectant look on his face, which Kaname wasn't surprised about; they had not spoken since... then. He could still hear the way Tatsumi had spoke his name, even now. But now things felt normal. Enough time had passed that he could almost pretend they had never spoken at all. And if they had never spoken, then...

"Ah, please wait!" Tatsumi's hand was suddenly around his wrist, stopping him from moving forward. Then he gave a small, innocent smile, this one befitting of a saint. "It's been so long since we've been alone together, Himeru-san. What are you doing here?"

At the words, Kaname felt a chill. Though he could have kept walking, wrestling his wrist from Tatsumi's hand and pushing his way through to his room (and how he so desired it), Kaname felt his hand fall limp. Something about how Tatsumi's voice hummed so carefreely put a deep pit in his stomach, and Kaname always despised him when he had that knowing look in his eyes. It was disgusting to feel the gaze of someone who thought they knew you, but it was five times more uncomfortable when the person they really knew was your own family.

"It is none of your concern." Kaname turned to face him. "And what is there to say?"

"There's plenty I'd like to talk to you about, Ka... Himeru-san." Hearing him say it so hesitantly made Kaname's skin crawl. "Don't you also treasure those days before we were hospitalized?"

"No, Himeru does not. He was hurt because of your revolution."

Tatsumi smiled sadly. "Ah, sorry. If that's the case, I still probably shouldn't have mentioned it." He peered closer at Kaname, those righteous eyes of his piercing into him. "You've always been fragile, haven't you, Himeru-san? I should pay more heed to my words."

Suddenly, Tatsumi gently reached over to tuck Kaname's hair behind his ear. Still his eyes betrayed some sadness, though he was smiling. "I have faith that God is watching over you. I pray that one day you may heal."

"How sentimental," Kaname hissed as soft fingers stroked his hair. "Incidentally, Himeru does not need your sympathy."

No, such an apology was only an effort to ease the guilt that weighed on him, wasn't it? How sad it all was. And yet, knowing that such guilt plagued that impostor of a saint filled Kaname with a perverse sense of satisfaction, so much that he had to bite back the grin spreading across his face. At times like this, Kaname's greatest bliss—his most indulgent pleasure—was watching Tatsumi Kazehaya writhe in pain as he tried to remedy the mess he'd made of his sainthood.

When Tatsumi did not falter, Kaname reached up and swatted the hand from his face. It was at that moment, when Tatsumi's face fell ever-so-slightly, that the clues finally strung themselves together in Kaname's mind. But it did not take a detective to arrive at the bitter conclusion: Tatsumi Kazehaya _loved_ his brother. It was written everywhere, from his longing gazes to his restrained smiles. And the fact burned in Kaname's chest like he had swallowed a hot coal—it only fueled his hatred, only made it consume his thoughts even more violently.

Tatsumi Kazehaya did not have the right to fall in love with Himeru. Not after he had so completely destroyed him. Even if he loved him, even if he did not mean to—even if he didn't know—he was the cause of everything. And he wished for his sins to disappear, just like any other insignificant sinner on Earth. But it took a true demon to act as if he had never sinned at all.

Though Tatsumi acted like he was some kind of messenger from God, Kaname knew that it was Himeru that was the light. He knew because he was forced to live out his life every moment of the day. It was not out of any ill will that Tatsumi cared for him so, but because his brother was always eager, always faithful—at once a devout believer and a child who blindly trusted everything. It was natural to want to dote over someone like that. Kaname rationalized that in his mind, yet still did not feel the fervor die down. Because even though he was taken aback, Tatsumi was still smiling, still insisting things were fine. Just as always—even as he said he wanted to make amends, he was still doing such infuriating things.

If he really cared, he would just leave Himeru alone. He would not be staring so expectantly. Tatsumi Kazehaya would not have such a fond smile on his face.

 _You poor, miserable boy_ —he couldn't help but hum to himself— _it must be so difficult always wearing someone else's skin, carrying so much weight on your shoulders. Well, you don't know the half of it._

He felt his fingers curl around Tatsumi's wrist, tighter and tighter as if he were trying to suffocate him. Then, before Kaname realized what he was doing, he pinned it against the wall. For a moment he paused, taking in the strange rush he got from looking at Tatsumi's startled, doe-like eyes. He was so close now that Kaname was consumed by the faint scent of smoke he carried with him. Though it was subtle, to Kaname it was everywhere. A stain, irreversible, burned into all of his nerves.

Before Kaname could overwhelm himself any more, the surprise dissolved from Tatsumi's expression, and he again reached for Kaname's neck. With a smile as resigned as his smiles always seemed to be, he tucked away another strand of hair and kissed Kaname just like an angel would: lingering for only but a moment, exhaling quietly through his nose, glowing with content after he pulls away. For a moment it was sweet, as Tatsumi's fingertips just barely grazed his hairline and Kaname could still feel the pure taste on his lips and the flustered color in his face. But how swiftly it soured; every tingling sensation quickly burned with contempt and the fast beating of his heart started to hurt.

Innocently, Tatsumi laughed, and his eyes sparkled. "Do you remember the first time we did that, Himeru-san?"

The question sunk into Kaname's chest as he fought away the sharp embarrassment that cut through his body. His brother surely couldn't have done something so stupid, so... secretive. Then again, Himeru was naive, irresponsible, and afraid. More than anyone, Kaname knew that his brother adored Tatsumi, would do anything with him even beyond reason. But more than that, Kaname's stomach twisted thinking of what his brother must have gone through trying to hide it—how he had hidden it from _him_ —and what miserable opinions Tatsumi Kazehaya held of his precious brother.

"You were scared." Tatsumi's hand still lay fondly atop his cheek; his expression holy, blissful, wretched, despicable. "Truthfully, ever since then, I've been afraid that you wouldn't recover."

Ah, what a vile excuse of a human being. How his eyes shone with sincerity, and even how the faint streetlight illuminated his skin, making him seem as if he had descended from the sky. The way his words wormed into your skin, convincing you he was blessed, convincing you that he would save you... Everything was a joke. Kaname remembered this and a heat bubbled up in his chest. That's right. Tatsumi Kazehaya was a sinner, forever cursed to wallow in hell. He was the devil, choking out light wherever he treaded.

Then, Kaname swallowed down his red hatred and gave his everything to press his lips against the sinner. There was only a split second that Tatsumi was stunned before his eyes closed and his tensed body gave in. But Tatsumi's face flushing happily pink wasn't Kaname's objective—he reminded himself of that as he felt a smile form under his lips—it was to teach him something. He wanted to make Tatsumi lose his footing, to stumble a little bit. Tatsumi Kazehaya, who crushed his brother under his heel like glass. Tatsumi Kazehaya, whose pretty face—his gentle eyes like gemstones, his perfect skin soft and shining—betrayed his corroded, pathetic soul.

The first time Kaname pushed his tongue into Tatsumi Kazehaya's mouth was heaven. Repulsive, abhorrent, and above all, liberating. Even worse was the way Tatsumi allowed himself to be pushed against the wall without so much as a struggle. When Kaname exhaled, and realized that he _craved_ this, he didn't know why but he wanted it so badly, even though he was justifying it all with Himeru—there was undeniably a part of himself that was starved for it. Perhaps that was why he was gasping for air. Or why he was gripping Tatsumi's face with one hand with an intensity he was ashamed of.

Still more annoying was the moment Tatsumi pushing back, no longer paralyzed or pretending to act innocent. Yet there was something exhilarating about having this Tatsumi all to himself, if only just for a few minutes—to have the fraud saint's lips pressed messily all over, not bothering to check if his tongue was pushing back against Kaname's lips or his teeth or his tongue in turn. This was the sinner Kaname knew, the one he hated. This was him, not the person whose hand slipped from Kaname's faltering grip and intertwined their fingers together tightly.

"Kaname-san." It sounded as if Tatsumi was trying to get his attention, but the way the name stumbled out of his mouth made Kaname's chest swell. _Kaname_. In Tatsumi's righteous, light voice, his name sounded so strange. Once upon a time, the only voice he heard it from was his brother's, but now it was being spread like flames to a forest, poisoning it. Hearing it now, as he pinned Tatsumi Kazehaya against the wall of the dormitory, was a painful reminder of that. Though it would be hypocritical of him to tell Tatsumi to stop, considering their position.

No. Kaname knew that this was how he could get caught: letting Tatsumi soften for even a moment, lest he do things like this. Things that almost made him think, just for a second, that he was loved. Kaname wasn't stupid. He was well aware Tatsumi did not know him; Tatsumi knew Himeru. But... well, Kaname supposed just like Himeru, he was childish. Though these words, these gazes, and even that name was meant for his brother, any human would yearn for this kind of affection. But still, he could not forgive Tatsumi Kazehaya. And he could not forgive the thought that in another time, his brother might have kissed him the exact same way.

So instead of abiding by Tatsumi's request, Kaname did not stop. If the exchange had softened since it began, then Kaname made sure that his effort matched the fervent sensation that was rising up his throat. The moment he could no longer breathe is when Tatsumi's eyes followed his own, mesmerized, and he tried to form words once again. But he was abruptly shut down by the fingers sinking into his hair, dancing up his nape and entangling themselves wherever they touched. Kaname smiled at the uncertainty trickling through Tatsumi's exhales. With a twist of his wrist, Kaname seized Tatsumi Kazehaya's soft, perfect hair and pulled him closer so that his words may melt in his ears.

"Himeru has a breaking point, but he is not fragile." Kaname's voice was steady; it was soft and gentle and unforgiving. _—And neither am I._ He reassured himself as he grasped Tatsumi's face, so close to his own, and wished he could spit those words at him as well. In reply to Kaname's words and his cheeks flushed with effort, Tatsumi blinked a few times and stared with his far-off violet eyes. It was rare for Tatsumi, who loved to speak in platitudes, to be so quiet.

As soon as Kaname thought that, however, the stale air erupted with a soft laughter. It was jarring, to be so close to Tatsumi, to be overwhelmed by his breathless voice just a moment before, and to hear him laugh so innocuously as if nothing had happened at all. "Of course," Tatsumi conceded. "But it's still difficult for me to not want to protect you. Perhaps you don't feel the same way, but... Himeru-san, there are times when I want to give you everything."

"Give... Himeru everything?"

"Yes. Just as God gives His entire self to His children—" Kaname realized too late that there was nothing in his grip any longer, and Tatsumi's hand rested on his shoulder—"If it meant your happiness, the happiness that I took away from you, then I would give anything."

"Will you ever cease talking like some sort of martyr? You can't just sacrifice your life and say you've made amends." Kaname said as much in a biting, venomous tone, but the two of them were still terrifyingly close; and it didn't seem to faze Tatsumi nearly as much as it did him. He tried to smooth out his voice. "Himeru will make you work for it."

A pause. Tatsumi softened and backed away, breathing a sigh of amusement. "Fufu, how nostalgic. It feels like you've grown up a little in the time we've been apart, but I still think it's endearing when you insist like that, Himeru-san."

"Himeru has...?" Kaname quickly shook the comment off, and wiped his mouth with his forearm in a fruitless effort to save face. As if he was just realizing the events that had unfolded for the first time, he retreated and kept his gaze pointedly away from Tatsumi. "Tatsumi Kazehaya. For the sake of Himeru's image, you will acknowledge that nothing has transpired nor ever has transpired between you and Himeru."

Tatsumi regretfully smiled. "Mhm, I swear. That sort of thing would be bad for a talented idol like you, Himeru-san."

" _I_ am not..." Thankfully, the words only left Kaname's mouth in a murmur, only a ghost of a thought he would never dare give life. He sniffed derisively and raised his voice. "Himeru is leaving. Farewell, Tatsumi."

Without granting Tatsumi the satisfaction of a final glance, Kaname stormed into the dormitory. And when he carelessly opened the door with his eyes still unfocused and blurry, he couldn't say he was surprised that he rammed into someone. Taking care to make sure he was not being followed into the dorm, Kaname blinked and came to face the younger twin of 2wink, who looked a little surprised.

"Good evening, Yuta," Kaname greeted him courteously, as much a show of politeness as it was a fondness for the boy. "Allow Himeru to apologize for being careless."

"Oh, no, I'm sorry, Himeru-san!" Yuta's face fell, and he shook his head. "Why are you out so late?"

"... Himeru had a personal issue to attend to. You shouldn't worry about his troubles."

"Oh—" Yuta leaned forward just a little bit, and even though it was just him, Kaname still shifted uncomfortably. "I, um, just asked because it smells like you were burning something."

Kaname's eyes widened and he frowned. "Himeru did not do such a thing. ... And he would love to have a friendly chat with his coworker, but he is afraid he must retire for the night."

"Oh. Well, goodnight, then." Yuta, bewildered, watched as his senior quickly moved past him and down the hallway. It wasn't long before Kaname reached his ES-assigned dorm room, and the quiet of darkness slowed his heart which was beating so incessantly. It had been a while since he had been in this place, abandoned and bare. His home near the hospital had been his sanctuary, everything separate from the life he led at Ensemble Square. His possessions his own, a reflection of himself. Pictures displayed freely next to his bed. But there were times he would return to this desolate room. Two weeks ago, it was to find some documents that were delivered there by mistake. A month ago, it was because he needed clean sheets. Now, he threw off his clothes stained with that scent, and they lay silent, unmoving in a pile next to the bed.

Kaname hated this room. He hated it; it was nothing but a reminder of the shadow of a person he had to become. And he hated how now the scent violating his clothes was a reminder of _him_ , too. A reminder of Tatsumi, and everything he said and the way he said it, and all the things Kaname wanted to do but could not, each displayed in his brain in excruciating detail as if he truly had performed them in another life. He inhaled. 

Tatsumi Kazehaya would pay.

**Author's Note:**

> ※ twt @ selfguise  
> ※ i remembered when this fic was 97% done that kaname lived in his own apartment and quickly had to make amends. i'm so fucking sorry


End file.
